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Thursday, September 25, 2008

News Alert!

After 15 proud years of service, FFU's utility truck cum part-time coach for cage has announced its retirement! And in its place will be a new fiery red Mitsubishi L200 Triton.

ASSOCIATED PRESS, PEHTERS
peh@pehters.com.sg

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Team Background

1) Johnny John
Info: An officer with the SAF, a tad one of the less physically blessed player, he makes up with an impeccable range of stamina, never say die attitude. Able to shoot with either foot but not aerially inclined. Attacker, goal poacher.

Trademark: Johnny John! Overhead kick, performed at least once a week.
Weakness: Overshadowed by larger players.

2) Christopher Yogi Wong YJ
Info: Amazing capacity of stamina, an avid marathon runner whose penchant is actually the goodie bags. Love to harass the opposing teams by running them to the ground. Good defensive player, reliable throughout the match.

Trademark: Schweinsteger long range missile shots, running like a man possessed.
Weakness: Needs to improve on juggling

3) Alex A.B.S
Info: Weighing a total of 200 pounds, plays the mahjong well, loves good food. He is a menacing threat that strikes fear in all the opponents’ hearts. Alex is blessed with incredible agility for a man that weighs a stone, a central sweeper cum defender cum dogfighter. Give him food and he’ll repay you with results.

Trademark: Dangerous back heel, trained to fool the best players due to his “jia dong zhuo” fakes. Also a liability.
Weakness: Should watch his weight, constantly fails the “beep test” and for supper doping.

4) Andre Z.Xm
Info: Left legged player that plays well on either wings, a soldier with the prestigious Commando unit but was left behind when he dislocated his shoulder. He packs a wicked leftie shot that makes Giggs grin with envy, capable of taking free kicks from all distances. Ex-sprinter.

Trademark: Powerful swerving leftie curler that fools most of the goalkeepers. Dedication
Weakness: Prone to occasional outbursts after couple of pints. Getting better after rehab treatment. Hopefully doesn’t follow George Best and Gazza’s footsteps.

5) Lao Two X.You Pooler
Info: One of the rare workhorse in the team, dedication is always present. He’s a rare cross-bred between Mascherano and Hargreaves. Ability is to leech on the opponents and an incredible stopper with both his legs and hands. Fans base, boy next door Auntie killer.

Trademark: Volleyball, quick with his hands when playing in goal; Puts every part of his body to the maximum use, etc his face.
Weakness: Overzealousness leads to mistakes and fouls committed unknowingly.

6) Pippo Zhengs
Info: Late bloomer, a modern central forward that will blow your mind away with incredible deftness of pulls and awe-inspiring goals. A graduate from NUS which is looking for a second career in the civil service.

Trademarks: Jaw-dropping goals, indescribable. Offside challenger, mimics goal scoring abilities like Inzaghi
Weakness: Tend to drift in and out of the game like what Obafemi Martins does for Newcastle.

7) Alessandro Del Siango
Info: Natural born footballer, with a figure like Anelka he cuts a sulking look whenever his team is down. When he smiles you ought to look out for his mazy dribbles and sublime passes which more often than not will leads to something.

Trademarks: “Tonjoul” shot, powerful, eerily radar like and dips just below the crossbar. An ala Cristiano’s freekick shots.
Weakness: Practically nil, a mercurial player in his own world when he’s at his best – that is how to maintain his consistency.

8) Ivan L
Info: Best defensive midfielder and defensive leader ever to grace FFU, sadly his playing time is cut short and plagued by career threatening depilating knee injuries. A player with a high workrate and reads the game like a book.

Trademarks: Woodgate’s tackles, Ivan’s incisive sliding tackles that will put Bramble and Bousong to shame. Newcastle Supporter. Converses well with Sporting Director Elaine and Angeline by the sidelines.
Weakness: Injury-prone. Warms the benches too often.

9) Kelvin Peh Torres
Info: Known as the passer, an advocate of the passing game. Links up well with team mates with his array of ingenius passes. A tough man to beat with his bulky build on his day. His dedication towards the management of FFU involves the kit selection and ball pumps. A excellent link up player.

Trademarks: The “No look” pass that captivates the crowd into wondering why he do that question. His assists and crosses is well received and a danger to all.
Weakness: Nil

10) Tom
Info: A mean goal machine with a prolific strike rate, equally adept with either legs. His ability to whack the ball hard shows acumens of a traditional English forward (think Alan Shearer) this man is also able to nick in a few goals with his head, very forward thinking player. Also possesses speed and strength to take the knocks.

Strengths: “Up” shouts to trigger the counter attacks. Injures the opposing goalkeeper, and lastly score goals.
Weakness: Inability to run back in time to cover his teammates, tendency to be offside. Needs to work on his fitness overall.

11) Edmondo
Info: Brainy player that capitalize on his build to shield the ball well from players in a cool and composed manner. Pops in occasionally to score and loves running up and down the flanks. Recovers well from career threatening knee injury from a biking accident.

Trademark: Powerheader, tough man to beat. Reads the game well.
Weakness: His fitness is still questionable, but is proving his critics wrong by making a second swansong.

12) Heman Hechi
Info: The heart of the defense, strong stout and fearless. His no nonsense approach and direct play have a lot of critics giving the thumbs up. Pulls absolutely no punches with his defending, warning even when he is carrying an injury he is still a bull.

Trademark: Bone crunching and ligaments taxing splits sliding tackles enough to send any player to early retirement.
Weakness: His temper has been in question, probably the player with the most bookable offence. Referee’s pet.

13) Weely Heely Seng
Info: Of slight build, is of origins with childhood friend Johnny John. He is an amazing showboating of dribbling have endeared himself with both fans and enemies. Unselfish player with a very good stamina.

Trademark: “Pulley Heely” dribbles, very hard to intercept and steal his ball.
Weakness: Prone to overdribble and binge drinking. (Laiii)

14) Karl James Yong
Info: Natural on the ball, left legged player. Very comfortable when holding the ball a good sight to watch. Holds and link up well, provides great assists.

Trademark: Left legged outside foot pass, plays link up excellently can attack and defend effectively.
Weakness: Right leg seems to be more under utilized, have issues with accuracy of shots.

15) Danny
Info: Age unknown, evergreen in the team. Was known to terrorize defenses and flanks since the 60s 70s 80s 90s till today, Sheringham with Nedved’s hairstyle. Crazy left leg.

Trademark: Quick and nifty left winger that often scores from angles so acute that only a mouse can pass thru. Old is gold.
Weakness: Injury prone, insurance companies have at times declined to cover him. Declining pace.

16) Zhisen J.Min
Info: A successful entrepreneur that loves the game as much, his lack of football creativity gives an added advantage to FFU. (Think the Neville Brothers) Is a good goalie and hardworking player.

Trademark: Occasional overlapping surging runs upfield to bolster the attacks and add in the numbers.
Weakness: Sorely lacking in match fitness, a utility player unsure which position suits him best.

17) Ah’ Daiii
Info: Hard running right winger that runs defenders ragged, ever reliable and present in both attacks and defense. Down to earth, but do not be fooled by his innocent look. Pops in the score the winning goal when needed. (Paul Scholes type)

Trademark: Uncompromising dribbles that will leave you wrong footed, a penchant for crucial goals.
Weakness: Rarely utilizes his full potential to the fullest, looks too “dai” at times.

17) Pohsingwa
Info: Fighter at heart both and off the field, known for his past scuffles with opposing team. Never one to seat back, real life brother to Lao Two. They enjoyed tremendous success with FFU with their never say die attitude.

Trademarks: Can shoot from all angles, defends and attacks with all his might whenever wherever whoever.
Weakness: Highly temperamental, in recent years fitness is also questionable. Have been injury prone since picking up a back problem during a SS session years back.

18) Sim Peow Pooler
Info: Maverick player with a stocky build remincesent of the great Diego Maradona. A team player with wide range of passing abilities. A good off the movement and a stout heart his contributions is widely accepted.

Trademarks: Incessant marking abilities, a player that is able to hold the defence line well
Weakness: Overstockiness, tends to overhold the ball. (Ni shi le!)

19) Hong Javier
Info: Currently on his dad's scholarship prestigious program in down under. He's capable of knacking in the odd goal or two. Good drinker. Once spotted by club scout in Zouk holding a bottle of Chivas and pouring down his throat to quench his thirst.

Trademarks: Reliable, fit and a force to be reckon with. Especially someone who can down hard liquor w/o any assistance
Weakness: Soft hearted at heart, loves to party and is still on scholarship.

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Thursday, September 25, 2008

News Alert!

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